We have been brought up to obey and respect our
parents and teachers, stand up to our responsibilities and do our duty. This is
specialy true for women who have been created with an inbuilt system of
sacrificing themselves for their families. A Wonderful trait that at times becomes
detrimental to our wellbeing. If taken to the extreme, it can actually create
deep rooted serious ailments in the body.
Obedience and respect to superiors and figures of
authority and I’d say everyone we meet is a good thing as long as it does not
contrast with your own basic needs and personal value system.
Respect for all is a fundamental rule to live by when
respected by all sides. If someone expects you to respect them without
respecting you in the bargain, we are talking about a flawed relationship that
takes the overtones of dominance, slavery, dictatorship….call it what your
will. Ouch!
Having a healthy Responsibility towards our family and
doing one’s scared duty of loyally looking after people we are in touch with is
an amazing trait and commendable. I have an extremely strong sense
of loyalty and duty which kept me loyal and “available” to a number of people.
I was always there for them, my shoulder was ready to support anyone in need. I
would rearrange my plans to help out when they called. Always. Commendable. I
would hear them cry and howl and rave and rant about the injustices of the
world and life and their life in particular and how much they were suffering
and I was there to help and soothe their sorrows away, the reliable friend in
need always ready with words of solace and encouragement and pep talks. I felt
guilty when I could not be there for them and the rare times this did happen,
the persons involved did not hesitate to point it out, one way or another, thus
increasing my guilt.
Emotional blackmail is a monster! Beware!
This went on until I realsied that I was being pulled
down by the enormous weight of their negative outlook, their constant
complaining, crying, seeking solace. What’s more, their good moments were spent
with other friends…. I was the spare tyre, so to speak, to be used in
emergencies which never seemed to cease. My own negative moments were beginning
to outnumber the positive ones and what’s funny, these people complained about
this too! I was slowly and steadily becoming the one in need of support to keep
afloat. Besides this, I wasn’t getting anywhere with my own life plans. Not
only was I not making any progress, I was being slowed down and pulled into a
vortex of non-productivity. When well-wishers tried to warn me about cutting
down my availability and concentrating on my own goals, I was horrified, I
mean, “How can you not help someone who evidently needs you and is asking for
your help? That’s what friends are for!”
A lot of reflection later I realised that I am not
responsible for other people’s lives and moods and attitudes. Yes, it is my
mission to help, to be a reliable friend in need but this has to be healthily
balanced with what they are prepared to do to get out of the rut. I am not their
psycologist. If they need pyschological support, it is available (at a fee)
from people much more qualified.
My time and energies are precious and need to be
conserved for following my dreams and plans. My first and foremost duty is
towards my own self, my Purpose in being here, my Wellbeing. Only if my cup is
full can I generously help others but if they keep siphoning off my energies
faster than I can recover them it is only because I have allowed them to do so
out of a false sense of ‘being there’. This may feed my Ego for a while but it
empties out my vital life force. Another thing I became aware of is that I
wasn’t really helping them get out, I was simply prolonging their wallowing in
misery. A very sobering thought indeed!
Thus started my Journey towards my own Empowerment and
Wellbeing. Just like a gardener I started trimmimg the deadwood, pruning the
extra branches, pulling out weeds that feed off the nutrients, relationships
that do not nurture me, people who do not sustain me. I learned to say no,
gently and firmly.
This is not being selfish, it is self-Love and there is a
world of a difference.
I am really fortunate to have had friends and family who
have sustained me through this messy and painful process (energy vampires do
not take too kindly to being unhooked) and it has been a long, roller coaster
ride. My well-wishers have been present, encouraging me, supporting me and
helping me become who I am today, a better human being, someone who wishes to
‘BE THERE’ for a lot more people, inspiring them to be better, to get out of
the rut where required, learning to stand up on their own, to be more, to give more.
Our time is too precious to waste tending to deadwood,
allowing the weeds to suffocate the
plants of our existence. Our energies are better used in creating a marvellous
garden.
This has also led to detachment….and freedom.
God Bless!
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